There are so many feelings about Gp. Some good, others are more difficult for me to digest. But, my intent with this letter is to be honest with my personal experience in the channel. A lot of you may know me as Rya/Mariya.
I honestly remember the day I was asked to join. I don’t think Alex or myself knew if I would be a permanent party in the channel, but at the time I didn’t really care. I, personally, was going through a transitional point in my life. I was trying to find who I was, what I was, where my voice was. I was a very shy person, except around my friends. I worked at target, and I had been there for a while, so many of these people became good friends to me. Alex asked me one day if I’d like to come hang out and play video games, and we all talked about his idea a bit. It sounded so fun, a place where I could be myself with my friends.
It never crossed my mind that this would turn into anything about money, or fame. At this point to me it was about just belonging. Just hanging out, regardless of if that sounds pathetic or sad to you. I had never had a place where I felt I belonged. Even though I’ve stepped away from the channel for now, I still (usually) feel I belong somewhere.
These beginning months I would usually schedule things around Stacy, Renae and my schedule, we would often car pool to shoots. All I knew was that I was there to hang out with friends, and attempted to stumble my way through a game. I was never a hard core gamer. I didn’t grow up with the luxury of being able to afford any type of gaming device. Eventually my parents got a desktop, and I entered the world of sims, many of you know that I still play to this day. My point is I was never a gamer. Never claimed to be one either, I’ve acquired a love for gaming, with friends, through gp. I don’t think I would have found this community without the channel.
I often saw myself as out of the loop with many of the issues or dramas in the channel. Not because I didn’t care, or have any interest. I’ve never been one to get involved in drama, and yelling or fighting. It doesn’t mesh with my personality at all. Once money came into the picture, there was a shift in the feeling of the group. And I honestly think the money is what caused a lot of these problems too.
While the money was nice, Gp was still a place for me to be me. A place for me to just get away from my friends.
I worked hard, I guess trying to show my importance to Alex, and to help continue building this channel. I was always asking what could be done, or how I could help, even if I knew little on the topic.
When I announced that I would be moving away for a while, I honestly thought that would be it for me in the channel. But Alex, and the girls tried hard to keep me involved while I lived in California. Thankfully, it wasn’t a long or excessive trip. A quick hour and 20 minute flight and I was home with my other family.
I put off working for MONTHS in California, and often Paul (my husband) and I would be scrounging for money to make bills. I remember at times crying to Alex about this fight in my head about wanting to stay involved but also needed to make money. I never asked to be paid more. In fact over the years I remember many times I asked to NOT be paid. That’s not why I was in the channel. But this was my issue. I was out of state, unable to help or work as much as I wanted to. I decided to go back to work. I was a full time university student, a part time employee at target, and tried to be involved in the channel. All while attempting to make friends and not fall into depression in a new environment, away from anything I ever knew. I really struggled.
Some of my friendships blossomed in the channel. Sydney and I become noticeably close, I love her till death to this day. These friendships, though they have changed over the years, still mean the world to me.
Over time, I started feeling a disconnect from the group. Distance has a funny way of making communicating in a large group a lot more difficult. I honestly pushed these feelings aside as much as I could. I’ve always known it was distance making me feel this way.
Eventually my husband revived new orders and we moved across the country to North Carolina. For me, this is when my disconnect in the group grew even more. The time difference seemed to make keeping me on the same page as the group a challenge. I missed group meetings because they would be so late (my time), and I would often have work in the morning. I was still in school too. I was so thankful that Alex had helped me with the equipment to stream when I could.
My decision to step away from the channel had to do with not being able to process the feeling of being away. Distant. It began consuming my thoughts. I needed to finish my time here in NC focusing on school. I needed to focus on my family, and adjusting to this new world.
I have never hated anyone in the channel, of course when you get a large group of girls together there will be fights, drama, and issues. But I usually tried to keep my friendships apart from ‘Work’ aka, the channel. To this day I don’t HATE anyone. I dont agree with many of things done or said by many of the involved parties. But to me, it doesn’t mean that friendships need to be ruined over it. I may not have lived the inner workings of all of this drama, so I’m not a ton of help in that department. But I care for the current and past members, as well as Alex and his wife.